


He’s trying

by Telescopedean



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Established James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Honestly some pretty shitty angst with no plot, Hurt Bones, Hurt Jim, James T Kirk - Freeform, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy Friendship, Jim Kirk/Leonard McCoy - Freeform, Leonard McCoy - Freeform, Leonard McCoy listens to Taylor swift, M/M, Major Char death, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, So does Jim kirk, rushed angst, taylor swift writes mckirk fanfic it’s not even a question, this is me trying Taylor swift folklore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29612295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telescopedean/pseuds/Telescopedean
Summary: “You left all that damned whiskey to me, I never got to take you to Georgia, never got to let you drive that truck, introduce Jo to you, tell you-” He stops himself, swallowing the words.“Tell me what?” Jim whispers.“Tell you I’m in love with you.”
Relationships: James T Kirk/Leonard McCoy, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35
Collections: Bones McCoy H/C





	He’s trying

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to revisit one of my old fics called “This is me trying”, and kind of write it in Leonards perspective. I changed the story line a lot, and stuck a little more to canon. But I’m actually kind of okay with this one, it’s def not my best. Also sorry for not writing for two weeks, I took a break for two weeks because I didn’t feel like people were enjoying my work. I also felt like my work wasn’t good, but rn I honestly don’t care. It’s just fanfic. 
> 
> So one of my followers mentioned a major char death fic based on into darkness. I had to write it because I didn’t like the way Jim thanked Spock for saving his life, no shade. I mean plenty of shade. But uh yea enjoy, this one also has some writer in the dark lyrics. Because lorde is my baby and I miss her. 
> 
> Enjoy, feedback is appreciated <3

Leonard prefers a good mint julep, the kind he misses from home. He remembers the fresh mint and the way the cold liquid ran down his gullet, but right now he has a glass of brown whiskey. Sure whiskey is good, he just prefers a mint julep. The way mint julep tasted on a hot summer day, when the sun was scorching hot and he sweat through his shirt. It reminds him of home, of his southern roots. It reminds him of Georgia. He is reminded of white dress shirts stained with red wine, drunken rants at midnight. Because he is watching the way the lights in the room glow, the way wine glasses are being filled and passed around, laughs at young cadets drunk in the corners of the room. But Leonard loves the calming affect night time has on him, he’d never really been a day person. He misses the fresh mint, non replicated. 

Although he does smile ear to ear, as he remembers whiskey weekends with Jim. That old academy apartment, he used to sit on the couch, while Jim sat on the floor propped up against the wall. A bottle of whiskey between them, laughing, sometimes crying. He remembers that one night when tears stained his own eyes, Jim laughed offering him a glass of whiskey. Remembering how much he hated him that night, remembers the way Jim leaned against the wall as he whispered,  _ “Whiskey solves almost everything.”  _ How Leonard laughed as he responded,  _ “If whiskey solved everything I wouldn’t be here stuck in this apartment with you.” _ How bitter it felt, how it led to much more than he could have imagined.

He is sitting in a hotel bar, one the whole crew is gathered in for the night. Some tension relief, because the whole crew wanted Jim awake. The pressure it put on Leonard was astronomical, but he also prided himself knowing they believed in him. If he is being completely honest, he is having a hard time adjusting. Because it feels weird with Jim not around. 

He hasn’t slept in days, it has been almost two weeks since Jim arrived at the hospital on Starfleet boundaries. Almost two weeks since Leonard did that stupid thing with Khans blood and Jims cells, hell it isn’t even working yet. The chatter of everyone around isn’t relevant as he thinks and thinks. He thinks about the lamps in med bay, shining down on Jim as he whispers a confession in his ear. He winces at the memory, the regret stings just like the drink going down his throat. He feels the cold glass in his hand, trying to ground himself, trying not to think about the way Jim’s bloody hand gripped the front of his shirt. The way Jim trembled as he tried to speak. The look in his eyes as he sighed and leaned back, dying in front of him. The panic, the feeling of his heart rattling against his ribs. He thinks about how he should walk out, and be a good man for someone else. Because he failed Jim. 

He misses the warm conversations, the laughter he gave him, the little dirty jokes, the way his eyebrows crinkled when he laughed. He misses his best friend, he misses the man he fell in love with. When he fell for Jim, he fell hard. He admired Jim for the things other people wouldn’t notice. Like the way the turbo lift lights made his blue eyes shine; the way he stuck his tongue out when he was concentrated on something. He fell in love with a life risk, he knew that. Somehow it was harder to accept as Jim was laying there dead in medbay, but he reminds himself once again that Jim is alive and in that hospital room.

Hell, it’s hard to be at a party when he feels like an open wound. It’s hard to be anywhere when all he wants is Jim to wake up, for Jim to be there by his side. The academy is like a flashback in a film reel, it stings because it was their memories. Everything he sees reminds him of Jim, but today he sits and focuses on himself. On his drink, on his pulse. 

Spock almost scares him, as he joins him at the bar with both Uhura and Scotty. They all lean against the bar, order a drink and value the silence. It's almost sentimental, like sad silence, the kind you feel at a funeral. But this isn’t a funeral, its a waiting room, a hotel bar. 

“How you doing?” Uhura asks.

Leonard shrugs and gulps the rest of his drink down.

“Jim awake yet?” Scotty asks.

Leonard shakes his head, laughs like it’s every other day. Like this happens daily for him.

“Believe me if he was, I would've told you by now and we’d all be drinking champagne out of tall glasses instead of whiskey in a grimey bar.” Leonard grumbles. “Maybe I’d be dancing with him on the dance floor.” Leonard muses. “I’m trying.” 

They all humm in agreement or whatever, looking towards the group of people dancing as if celebrating something. How they have yet to celebrate. It feels like he is pouring his heart to a stranger, but he understands that they don’t know what to say. How they know how hard Leonard is working. 

“I don’t quite know what to say Doctor, but I will offer a helping hand if you need it.” Spock says.

Leonard pats his shoulder in an appreciative way. They all turn towards the bar, swallow their fears down with their whiskey, they wait. 

  
  
  


Leonard is standing on the other side of Jim's bed, he’s filling out some forms, staring at that damned monitor on the wall. Still Jim hasn’t woken up, he’s feeling a little hopeless. Sure he isn’t sure if Jim will wake up again, but he is hoping with every last piece of himself that he will. Once he’s done he turns on the radio on the counter behind him. Its a tune Leonard recognizes from that stupid mixtape Jim made, the one he used to place in the cassette of his stupid pickup truck. The truck he never let Jim drive. The sound of Taylors voice singing,  _ “This love is good, this love is bad, this love came back from the dead.”  _ The room is quiet, the lights around them come from windows and it is early in the morning. Almost like the sun when Jim tackled Leonard in the green grass, he giggled as he tickled Leonard and he grumbled. Wishing he’d kiss him then, because he felt it then too and now Jim is barely back. He regrets every lost moment, lost memory. 

And there's something about how Jim is standing on his chest, how he keeps him down, how lost he feels. How he hated hearing Jims name on the lips of a crowd, the thoughts of letting Jim down lingering in his mind. He turns to the radio and stares at it for a moment, he feels nostalgic and heartbroken. 

“Doctor?”

It doesn’t occur to him that the voice is Jim’s, because he spent almost two weeks in silence in that room. His mind is foggy and distracted. But he notices the words written on the old cassette. The tape is a bit beaten up, but the sharpie marks spell out words that make his heart stop, words that make him drop the tape on the floor and dart directly towards Jim’s side. Words that make him realize that Jim is awake, that Jim’s voice echoed in that room. How stupid he is not to realize it sooner, he’ll blame it on the sleep deprivation.

_ James <3 _

He picks up his tricorder and tries his best to cover his emotions, his relief. Because Jim’s eyes are open, looking up at him, Jim lets out a weak chuckle, then a deep breath as he leans his head to the right. He looks up at Leonard in awe almost, he lets out a sigh of relief too. Closes his eyes as Leonard places the tricorder higher up against his face.

“Oh don’t be so melodramatic, you were barely dead.” Leonard jokes.

Its a joke that Jim knows is covering up for his true feelings, Leonard feels at peace knowing he can joke with Jim again.

“Didn’t recognize you there for a moment.” Jim whispers.

“You and me both.” Leonard whispers. “The transfusion really took its toll, you were out for two weeks.”

Jim whines in confusion.

“Transfusion?”

“Your cells were heavily irradiated, I had no choice.” 

Leonard places his tricorder above Jim’s chest now, monitoring his heart. Jim reaches his hand weakly to place his palm on top of Leonard's hand. Leonard is a little taken back, Jim lets out a  _ huh _ as Leonard pulls his hand away.

“Once we caught him I synthesized the serum from his super blood, tell me are you feeling homicidal, power man, despotic?” Leonard asks with a cocky smile, one that radiates happiness and joy.

“Hmm, no more than usual.” Jim whispers. “How’d you catch him?”

Leonard turns away to double check his PADD, and also to hide the fact that tears are welling up in his eyes.

“Uh, I didn’t...spock did.”

“What have you been doing all this time?” Jim asks. 

Leonard cringes. 

“Monitoring you, drinking.”

Jim hums and it sounds like the monitors around him.

“Whiskey weekends, alone.” 

Leonard nods, whiskey weekends in downtown bars. 

And There is silence where Leonard is finished with the PADD and the I.V cord, Leonard is thinking about those moments he missed. How the first thing he’s gonna do it let Jim drive that stupid truck of his, drive down the road with him again, kiss every inch of him, drink whiskey again. Jim turns to Leonard, he can feel Jims eyes on him as his back faces him.

“You saved my life.” Jim whispers.

Leonard turns to face him now, his PADD and tricorder on the counter. 

“You  _ died _ .” He whispers back, and it breaks him all over again, makes the tears fall out of his eyes. 

He is at Jims side now, sits on the bed next to him. Jim tries to sit up, but Leonard shakes his head. 

“No, no lay down.” He soothes, and Jim lets out a groan as he lays back into the mattress. 

Leonard cups Jim’s face now with both of his hands, tears streaming from both of their eyes now. 

“I’m fine, I’m right here.” Jim reassures.

“Yea but...you were gone. Like really gone James, fuck I’m so angry with you right now.” Leonard grumbles, letting out a choked chuckle.

Jim laughs as happy tears stream out of his eyes. 

“Angry? I didn’t die on purpose!” It’s a teasing tone. 

Leonard laughs in a bitter tone.

“You left all that damned whiskey to me, I never got to take you to Georgia, never got to let you drive that truck, introduce Jo to you, tell you-” He stops himself, swallowing the words. 

“Tell me what?” Jim whispers. 

“Tell you I’m in love with you.” 

The words ghost out into the open, Jim smiles wide, but doesn’t say anything. And Leonard is okay with that, okay with the fact that Jim is in front of him, and that he doesn’t need to say anything. 

“Didn’t know if you’d care if I came back.” Jim says and it makes Leonard roll his eyes. 

“Yea well, I have a lot of regrets about  _ that _ .” Leonard jokes, as if bringing Jim back was a regret. Because he is sarcastic and cocky, but he doesn’t regret anything. 

There is a moment where they are just staring at each other there in that room, where Leonard grazes his thumb along Jim’s cheek. 

“I missed you,” he whispers. “And I’m so sorry.” 

“For what?” Jim asks, his voice cracking in pain and in happiness.

“I failed you.”

It breaks Jim that Leonard could even think that even after bringing him back from the dead, he still feels like he failed. Jim shakes his head, brings his hands up to wipe the tears away from Leonards eyes.

“No, no. Sweetheart, you didn’t fail me. You never failed me, never once. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here with my best friend.” 

“Maybe I should find a way to be without you, I fell in love with a life risk.” As the words escape Leonards mouth he knows that he doesn’t mean what he has just said. Yet he doesn’t regret it, because maybe he’s right no matter how much it hurts him.

Tears fall from both of their eyes again and Jim shakes his head. Leonard is about to get up when Jims hand catches his shoulder, he’s sitting up now. It’s only slightly irritating to Jim, so Leonard's hands fall to under his armpits. Jim is pleading and he reaches forward to hold his neck in both of his hands. 

“No, never.  _ Please. _ ” He leans his forehead against Leonards. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.  _ Neither should you. _ ”

Jim pats the side of the bed as he scoots over. Leonard doesn’t hesitate to lay down next to Jim, they face each other in awe. He is reminded of their academy era, laying in Jim’s bed staring at the ceiling. How Jim laid his head on Leonard's lap, crying about his father and his mother. Ran his hands through his hair as Jim whispered a  _ “he would’ve never been proud of me. Why was it him instead of me?”  _ How Leonard swore that Jim made him the proudest, that it wasn’t the same. 

They lay there for a while afraid the other might disappear, because the  _ real _ honest truth is that Jim isn’t invincible. That Jim is fragile, that he could disappear from right under him. That he would lose his best friend again.That Leonards greatest fear came true, that Jim died on a mission without him even knowing. They lay in the light from the windows, from the hospital room. It has this bluish tint to it, a blue feeling.

“I never got the chance to ask you,” Jim lets out a sigh.“How did you do it? How did you push your feelings away?” 

Leonard knows what he is talking about, because he knows Jim like the back of his hand. He says the one thing that is true and so easy for him to say. 

“I didn’t.” 

Leonard is telling the truth, part of the truth because the truth is much more complex than Jim could ever know. And after those days of not seeing Jim...truth is, Leonard was loving the thoughts in his head since he thought he stopped needing Jim. But then the absence changed his mind about Jim, about the need for him in his life. How pathetic that is to him. The feelings of need and desperation came back from that night in medbay, seeing Jim in that body bag.

“I believed in myself over and over because  _ their _ lives are more important than mine, but now I realize I was doing my best to exist just for you. When I needed to exist for both of us.” Jim admits, bites back his pride. 

How Jim sacrificed himself because the crew's lives mattered more to him. Yet as he is staring into Leonards eyes, he confesses that he needs to exist for the both of them.

“It’s a good thing the life risk fell in love with a doctor.” Jim whispers, as he links his hand with Leonards. 

Leonard eyes well up again. 

“Then promise me you won’t get yourself killed again.” Leonard whispers. 

Jim shakes his head with a chuckle, brings Leonard's mouth close to his. “I can’t promise that I’ll never die, but I can promise I’ll love you as long as you want me to,” he presses a short kiss to Leonards mouth, they both let out a smile and a sigh. “I am my fathers child, I’ll love you till my breathing stops.” Jim whispers. 

  
  



End file.
